Depressions Mind - A Glimpse At The Heart Of a Panic Attack.
I can't breathe, everything around me is getting too close much too close, I'm going to die, I'm going to die, when will I die?
Some say I should die or was it always just me?
No, no they tell me too, they always tell me.
The voices in my head always convincing me whispering 'That's enough, let's be done, let's end it', I've wanted to for a while now but I guess people would be sad, probably, but unlikely they say.
All the bad things become normal, familiar, comfortable, beautiful, unlike most loved ones that I cherished, the loneliness never leaves me it comforts me as well as discomforts me, but... it’s okay, I'm okay, everything's fine.
Pains in my head increase as my sanity decreases, empty and hollow, are how I feel, slipping in and out of consciousness at any given moment.
I'm stuck, tied down by the constraints of my mind, hooks burrowed deep in my bare flesh, pain and misery embedded in me disguised as a facade of happiness and hope, deliriously I convince myself it's happiness, its hope but, they know, the whispers know, they constantly remind me that they know, but.... it’s okay, I'm okay, everything's fine.
So tired, sleep, exhaustion, the will to keep going overrides my needtobreathe, 'someone help me' I scream in my mind, but of course falls on empty ears as does most of what I want, what I need.
When will someone save me? someone, please help me... no one can help... no one sees... no one hears... do they know that though I'm silent, I scream louder than anyone? but... it’s okay, I'm okay, everything's fine.
I'm dying, I'm dying, the pain, the headaches... the heartache is so overbearing, I'm dying, suicide, every single scenario of suicide comes to mind at least once a day,
silently I wish in the deepest darkest pit of my mind that one of them comes through to reality and everything in me finally... stops, ends. I imagine every single way to die, to be killed every day and it comforts me because one day I know, they know, I hope, they hope, that it will happen, I'm dying on the inside, but, it's okay, I'm okay, everything's fine.
I watch from afar, they're feeling a snippet of how I felt every day of my life.
They cry and they feel pain and I feel the dull ache that I wished wouldn't come... guilt.
I killed them, I killed their loved one, I just wanted to feel something, anything other than this, other than every day of my life, but as tears spill without restraint all I feel is guilt and more emptiness, the whispers, they knew it all along, they saw this, they hoped for this, they won and as I watch from afar I hear them read out...
Here lies Callista Odysseus may she rest in peace.
'It's okay, you're okay, everything's fine..... jump.'
Results in the wake of a crippling panic attack.
© 2019 Callista Odysseus