To the 4 a.m. Conversations

Updated on March 3, 2019

Dear bestfriend,

I saw you today and it was an enormously memorable moment. You smiled at me and it was like we never stopped talking.
That is what I've been wanting to write from the last four years. But that's not the truth. This is.

I saw you today and It was as if we've never met. Our eyes did click for a moment, but the blank emptiness in your eyes made sure an uncomfortable silence prevailed preventing any conversation. It is always good to see you. Always. Even if it's just for a few seconds.
I always thought our friendship was a miracle bond. Between us we were a fairy tale. We met and grew to care for each other instantly. That is how all fairy tale stories flow. And like all of them, I thought ours would end with a ‘and they lived happily ever after’ but, to our little story, the only excruciatingly hurting part is the ending. Ours didn't end very well, did it?
After it ended, I always contemplated on what I'd say when I see you again. How I'd know the exactly right words to say, with the right pauses. But that again, isn't how it happened. Our story is now the one with the awkward deadly silence.
Then, as the clocked ticked, in an attempt to prevent myself from further agony I stopped thinking about it. Instances of living a life without you scared me initially but time healed me. Ever so slowly, I began to smile. The effort required to smile slowly receded. I found myself searching for hope. I kept myself distracted and my distractions became my strengths overpowering my brain into subconsciously covering up the internal pain I felt. My broken heart had begun to heal. I began to think I'd never see you again.
But I did see you and you did look extremely happy. The same smile I remember, the expressions that I read, the laughter that filled my ear. Only this time there was something different. Along with all the beautiful things I remembered, there was also something that I didn't recognise on that face of yours. The deep black eyes this time stared right past me, like I did not exist. As if there, instead of me, stood a gap filled with ambiguous air. Something did not feel right today.
But I did see you again, and that unleashed a flow of emotions some of which I had learnt how to hide over a period of time. But seeing you? I was flooded with immediate happiness, the surprise that you didn't say anything, the anguish of recognition, and the slow but steady dawn of reality.
And even if I tell myself I don't care, I still see all your pictures, like all of them, and take a moment to go through what you post. No. I am not a stalker. It's only that I like to keep tabs of what you are upto. Cause even when it's so difficult to understand, I do care for you, and there's not one moment when I've regretted it.
You bestfriend have also been a beautiful experience of true and pure friendship. The sort that people write novels about. Our friendship, though short lived, makes me feel complete and fills me with the warmth of hope. A hope for a better tomorrow.
In a world full of introspecting questions, of what's and who's, you are my what-ifs, would-have- beens and could-have-beens.
The girl you used to call at 4 AM.


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