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Dear X

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dear-x

I know I said that I hated you and I wanted to erase your traces in me so badly. But you know what's funny? Even though I tried so hard to do that, you will be forever part of who I am today. Because even though I was hurt when things go wrong with us, I won't deny that the times I was with you, I was happy. We were happy. And as I decided to move on from everything that we shared, I somehow pray that we both remember the good times and forgive each other for the bad ones. Forgive me for the words that I've said and things I did that hurt you. And I too will do the same for you.

It's not easy to forget you. It will never be easy to not remember the things that we go through. And maybe forgetting isn't the goal here but enduring is. Enduring the pain brought by our broken trust for each other. Of the broken promises and dreams we have for the thought of having each other to forever. But there will be no forever for us, is there?

I am doing my best to get up each morning without having much thought of you. I started to find the empty space in my bed which used to be your spot usual for me. Your toiletries in my bathroom are still there. But maybe tomorrow I'll finally have the courage to throw it all away. And when I do, know that this time I chose me more than you.

This time, I am choosing me. I am choosing my happiness because I know I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved and cherished and held without inhibitions. Without pretentions. I am heartbroken that I even allow myself to believe that I deserve all of the mediocre things and love and support you gave me. No. I deserve more than that. But maybe because of my love for you, I accepted it. I accepted it blindly.

I refuse to believe that we accept the love we think we deserve. Because most times, we are just blinded by that thing we call love at that time. And until someone shows us what love should be, what love really should be, we will never be freed into accepting love that is just that - empty and ordinary.

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