Cancer Was Just a Blackout in My Life

Updated on June 26, 2018

Hospitals can be lonely when you're fighting cancer

Hospital corridor
Hospital corridor | Source

Needles and drugs- Beds on fire

She looks tired. Her eyes sparkle, but her lips are stiff. Across the room a desert ocean weeps. Above it a flock of seagulls is fighting over some wasted bread. Sounds angry. More intense, more scary. Loud.

She leans her body against the bed. Those hospital walls are so white, so ugly; it’s almost cruel. The nurse walks in. Her smile says “I’ m sorry” while hear eyes yell “I’ m exhausted”.

Needles and drugs. Beds on fire. Body in chains. It’s the cancer, babe. And now you will be left alone to fight for your life.

No option. So she lies on the ungrateful bed. How did she get here? What happened? Why her?

She misread the sings-Managed the pain in secret

Source

Your life-Your story

Your life is your story. Write well. Edit Often.

Cancer is just a blackout, but it won’t kill me unless I let it!

All those questions haunt her. They steal her breath. When the night falls, they put on her makeup, making crude faces, mocking her. Clowns that fade under the lamp. Just shadows crawling under her nails, forcing her to surrender.

Her life was not easy before, but at least she has been kind. Good job, healthy parents. Brand new boyfriend, vacations in Amsterdam. A car, a cat, some good friends and music. She was in love. He wasn’t. She wanted more. He didn’t.

That’s when it started. From her back. She misread the sings. Managed the pain in secret. No doctors, just drugstores. And the pills kept rolling in.

Then they broke up. He couldn’t pretend any more. He was choking. She was drowning. “Life was short, so why waste it?” he said. So he left. She fell apart.

She got really sick. The pain in her chest was getting worse. The doctors were furious. “So young, so careless, so beautiful, yet so alone. Need to fix this.”

“Turn on the lights! I can’t see” she screamed. “It’s just a blackout, but it won’t kill me unless I let it. Just a blackout, you’ll see.”

There is nothing harder than chemotherapy

Chemotherapy is hard
Chemotherapy is hard | Source

A change of life

Quietly she cried. In dark corners, on the bad that burnt like a dragon’s breath. She cried for days. Until her tears wore off. Until his image started to fade. Until she made peace with herself. But not with the cancer.

Arms and knives. Pills. Vitamins. Fruits, vegetables and long walks. Music and books. No mirrors were cracked. No damaged glasses or vases thrown away.

“At war! It’s you and me babe. Wrong body to claim, this belongs to me! I’m talking to you cancer! This is my final warning. You’re nothing but a blackout, so I’m turning on all the lights as I wait for you to exhale. ”

A change of life. That’s what she needed. A change of heart. “I will not be beaten by memories that allow my cancer to grow. I will not permit my brain to sicken my body. I will keep my soul safe. “

Her friends stood by her. Not all of course. That was no surprise. Anyway, she needed to let some go. Only those who were really true to her stayed. Her family stood by her side. Her mother was always there to comfort her. When she begun to throw up, when the pain insisted, whenever she was blue, depressed.

There is nothing harder than chemotherapy. The rooms were hostile. The agony was enormous. Like a black net that was falling on her, grabbing her every move.

By body is my temple-Cancer cannot pray in here

Scars are my pride
Scars are my pride | Source

Scars can be beautiful

Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.

Hair is just one of cancer’s trophies! It’s not a gold medal!

There, on these firry beds, she understood the true meaning of the word “loneliness”. For it was only her against the ugly beast, one soul fighting to survive. To win the race for her life. Only one person, struggling to endure under those toxic drugs that were injected in her veins. “There can only be one winner. And I assure you, it will be me!” she cried out.

Time was an enemy; time was just one step ahead of her. So she tried approaching time from another aspect all over again. She let go of those long meetings at the firm and kept some time for herself. To think, to make plans how to beat this threat; how to beat cancer.

Her hair was lost, her eyebrows too. She did not mind, because it would all grow back. Stronger that before, prettier. Hair is just one of cancer’s trophies. It’s not a gold medal. For that would be hers. And the lights would all be on, when she was proclaimed as the only winner.

Now she knows, she has seen. It’s getting smaller. The doctors smiled again. Like she smiles while watching her hair fall in the sink. Now while she lies on the cold bed, she sings. From time to time she talks to him. To let him know she’s armed. She managed to push her body into the light. She can never be afraid of another blackout, no more.

“Hear me babe? You’re already half gone. You were nothing back a blackout, no sweat. I will never allow myself to let you into my light, no more.”

Questions & Answers

    Comments

      0 of 8192 characters used
      Post Comment

      No comments yet.

      working

      This website uses cookies

      As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, letterpile.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

      For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://letterpile.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

      Show Details
      Necessary
      HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
      LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
      Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
      AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
      HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
      HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
      Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
      CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
      Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
      Features
      Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
      Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
      Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
      Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
      Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
      VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
      PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
      Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
      MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
      Marketing
      Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
      Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
      Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
      Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
      Statistics
      Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
      ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
      Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)