Cancer Was Just a Blackout in My Life

Updated on June 26, 2018

Hospitals can be lonely when you're fighting cancer

Hospital corridor
Hospital corridor | Source

Needles and drugs- Beds on fire

She looks tired. Her eyes sparkle, but her lips are stiff. Across the room a desert ocean weeps. Above it a flock of seagulls is fighting over some wasted bread. Sounds angry. More intense, more scary. Loud.

She leans her body against the bed. Those hospital walls are so white, so ugly; it’s almost cruel. The nurse walks in. Her smile says “I’ m sorry” while hear eyes yell “I’ m exhausted”.

Needles and drugs. Beds on fire. Body in chains. It’s the cancer, babe. And now you will be left alone to fight for your life.

No option. So she lies on the ungrateful bed. How did she get here? What happened? Why her?

She misread the sings-Managed the pain in secret


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Cancer is just a blackout, but it won’t kill me unless I let it!

All those questions haunt her. They steal her breath. When the night falls, they put on her makeup, making crude faces, mocking her. Clowns that fade under the lamp. Just shadows crawling under her nails, forcing her to surrender.

Her life was not easy before, but at least she has been kind. Good job, healthy parents. Brand new boyfriend, vacations in Amsterdam. A car, a cat, some good friends and music. She was in love. He wasn’t. She wanted more. He didn’t.

That’s when it started. From her back. She misread the sings. Managed the pain in secret. No doctors, just drugstores. And the pills kept rolling in.

Then they broke up. He couldn’t pretend any more. He was choking. She was drowning. “Life was short, so why waste it?” he said. So he left. She fell apart.

She got really sick. The pain in her chest was getting worse. The doctors were furious. “So young, so careless, so beautiful, yet so alone. Need to fix this.”

“Turn on the lights! I can’t see” she screamed. “It’s just a blackout, but it won’t kill me unless I let it. Just a blackout, you’ll see.”

There is nothing harder than chemotherapy

Chemotherapy is hard
Chemotherapy is hard | Source

A change of life

Quietly she cried. In dark corners, on the bad that burnt like a dragon’s breath. She cried for days. Until her tears wore off. Until his image started to fade. Until she made peace with herself. But not with the cancer.

Arms and knives. Pills. Vitamins. Fruits, vegetables and long walks. Music and books. No mirrors were cracked. No damaged glasses or vases thrown away.

“At war! It’s you and me babe. Wrong body to claim, this belongs to me! I’m talking to you cancer! This is my final warning. You’re nothing but a blackout, so I’m turning on all the lights as I wait for you to exhale. ”

A change of life. That’s what she needed. A change of heart. “I will not be beaten by memories that allow my cancer to grow. I will not permit my brain to sicken my body. I will keep my soul safe. “

Her friends stood by her. Not all of course. That was no surprise. Anyway, she needed to let some go. Only those who were really true to her stayed. Her family stood by her side. Her mother was always there to comfort her. When she begun to throw up, when the pain insisted, whenever she was blue, depressed.

There is nothing harder than chemotherapy. The rooms were hostile. The agony was enormous. Like a black net that was falling on her, grabbing her every move.

By body is my temple-Cancer cannot pray in here

Scars are my pride
Scars are my pride | Source

Scars can be beautiful

Never be ashamed of a scar. It simply means you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you.

Hair is just one of cancer’s trophies! It’s not a gold medal!

There, on these firry beds, she understood the true meaning of the word “loneliness”. For it was only her against the ugly beast, one soul fighting to survive. To win the race for her life. Only one person, struggling to endure under those toxic drugs that were injected in her veins. “There can only be one winner. And I assure you, it will be me!” she cried out.

Time was an enemy; time was just one step ahead of her. So she tried approaching time from another aspect all over again. She let go of those long meetings at the firm and kept some time for herself. To think, to make plans how to beat this threat; how to beat cancer.

Her hair was lost, her eyebrows too. She did not mind, because it would all grow back. Stronger that before, prettier. Hair is just one of cancer’s trophies. It’s not a gold medal. For that would be hers. And the lights would all be on, when she was proclaimed as the only winner.

Now she knows, she has seen. It’s getting smaller. The doctors smiled again. Like she smiles while watching her hair fall in the sink. Now while she lies on the cold bed, she sings. From time to time she talks to him. To let him know she’s armed. She managed to push her body into the light. She can never be afraid of another blackout, no more.

“Hear me babe? You’re already half gone. You were nothing back a blackout, no sweat. I will never allow myself to let you into my light, no more.”

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