Blessed Be The Truly Unwise.

Updated on February 27, 2018

A detective sometimes is blessed with the truly dumb, for it certainly was those thick headed dumb-asses that make themselves obligated to be pursued. When caught, their very ignorance bring light to the men and women who labor in the dark for the side of justice.

Standing outside of an opened window near the Seaside Central Senior home was Kirk Taylor. Detective Wilfredo Cruz slowed his unmarked vehicle and waited for the young man's move. Of course he knew that Taylor wasn't going to murder a senior citizen. He was just a petty thief who was caught so many times. He had on him a large duffel bag and a tire iron probably used for prying the window open.

A sheepish grin crossed Cruz's face when he remembered how stupid Taylor was. On a court appearance day he was caught stealing hot dogs from a local supermarket. He got away with the hot dogs, and came back in to steal hot dog buns. Mister Genius got away with the bread too, but came back in to steal Ketchup and that's when store security nabbed him. He had all the stolen items on him and he told the uniforms that he couldn't eat the hot dogs plain, and he stole ketchup instead of mustard so that he could save the store money. He told them that the Ketchup was on sale.

Taylor watched Cruz and Cruz watched Taylor. It was a pissing match for about ten minutes and Taylor won. Cruz broke the staring contest and slowly drove the unmarked cruiser toward him. Taylor opened up the passenger side and jumped in.

Cruz fought hard to keep a loud laugh from escaping. He choked back the urge with a deep breath, and he almost stopped breathing.

“I thought you was a cop man,” Taylor said.

Cruz nodded.

“They be putting they stank ass noses around my business when I'm trying to do business.”

Cruz nodded again.

“What, you like some kind of Uber driver, some shit like that?”

“Yes, some shit like that.”

Taylor nodded and then titled his head slightly.

“Do I know you?”

Cruz shook his head from side to side indicating no.

“What you up to in this bad ass car?”

“I'm heading to Congress street.”

“The police station is up there.”

“Yep, I'm going to break in and rob the evidence room,” Cruz said. “You game for that?”

“Damn you gotta have big balls bro!”

“I gotta a gun, and all I need is for you to rush in first and order everyone to the ground while I back you up waving my piece,” Cruz started. “Then we take all that good shit from evidence and we be set for life.”

Taylor only took a few moments to think about it. “Shit, I'm down! Lets get those pigs and make them crawl. I owe them for always busting my ass on stupid shit.”

Cruz nodded trying so hard to contain the laughter.

“What happens if we get caught?” Taylor asked.

“Remember, if they don't get evidence they charge you, and if they get evidence, they will set you free,” Cruz replied. “We're gonna have all the evidence we can handle robbing the evidence room, right?”

“Damn you a smart motherfucker,” Taylor replied. “What your name is?”

“Willie.”

“One of Da Greek's boys?” asked Taylor.

“No, I do everything myself,” Cruz answered. “I was going to hit the police station until I saw you.”

“Glad you stopped bro,” Taylor added. “My name is Kirk.”

Cruz smiled wide.

Blessed be the truly unwise.

“You go in first and I'll be right behind you,” Cruz said. “You scream out everyone get down. Then you scream out Laura Kimber can kiss my ass.”

Taylor chuckled.

“Then we make for the evidence room and grab everything that's valuable. Don't take any junk, got it?”

“Of course bro.”

Cruz pulled up in front of the Congress Street police station and he nodded twice at Kirk Taylor.

“Don't you think I need a gun?”

“No,” Cruz replied. “If they don't see you with a gun, they won't shoot you. Gives me the advantage because I'll have the gun pointed at their asses.”

“Damn you smart.”

Cruz nodded.

Taylor and Cruz climbed out of the unmarked cruiser and walked slowly to the door. Each one of them stood on the outside of the entrance gathering their wits. Cruz was fighting back the urge to simply just crack up. He took a deep breath and then nodded. It was a green light as Taylor rushed in first and Cruz was right behind him. Teamwork.

“Freeze you goddamn pigs!” Taylor shouted. “All you pigs hit the floor or my partner's gonna fill yah asses full of lead. And Laura Kimber, kiss my ass!”

The entire division including the uniforms and cleaning people just exploded in laughter. Taylor looked confused. He turned around and Cruz was literally on the floor laughing himself blue.

“Shit,” Taylor whispered.

Detective Laura Kimber walked over to Taylor and handcuffed him. She kicked Cruz while he was still laughing.

“Where do you want him?”

Several attempts were made before he could muster a reply. “My office.”

© 2018 Frank Atanacio

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    • Frank Atanacio profile image
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      Frank Atanacio 13 days ago from Shelton

      thanks for stopping strictlydating

    • stricktlydating profile image

      StricktlyDating 13 days ago from Australia

      A great piece of work!

    • Frank Atanacio profile image
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      Frank Atanacio 5 weeks ago from Shelton

      Lisa thank you so much

    • Lisawilliamsj profile image

      Lisa Chronister 5 weeks ago from Florida

      Frank, I loved this, it is absolutely hysterical! Is it possible to envy and feel sorry for a person, at the same time? Because that is kind of how I feel about Taylor right now!

    • Frank Atanacio profile image
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      Frank Atanacio 5 weeks ago from Shelton

      Peg Cole and Shyron, thank you so much for reading my blessed...:)

    • PegCole17 profile image

      Peg Cole 6 weeks ago from Dallas, Texas

      Oh, now, this one was truly funny, Frank. I loved it. I have to wonder if criminals are really that gullible. It sure made a great story. What a laugh. Incredible writing and a cool story line.

    • Shyron E Shenko profile image

      Shyron E Shenko 6 weeks ago from Texas

      I would be laughing with Cruz, this sounds just like my friend Rusty who is a retired Dallas Police Officer.

      Rusty is 6'7" and his partner is 6'8" and they were called Batman and Robbins (Rusty Robbins)

      Blessings my friend and thanks for the laugh.

    • Frank Atanacio profile image
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      Frank Atanacio 6 weeks ago from Shelton

      thanks for reading manatita44

    • manatita44 profile image

      manatita44 6 weeks ago from london

      Nice one, Frank.

      We had a few like Taylor. If there's a God, then one day they'll get a better deal. I love the prank, though. I saw Colombo go easy on a woman once. Very rare. Ha ha. A 'sweet' piece of Flash!

    • Frank Atanacio profile image
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      Frank Atanacio 7 weeks ago from Shelton

      thanks for stopping by Nikki

    • nikkikhan10 profile image

      Nikki Khan 7 weeks ago from London

      What a comedy Frank filled with slice of crime.Awesome.Thanks for sharing such an amazing flash story.

      Bless you.

    • Frank Atanacio profile image
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      Frank Atanacio 7 weeks ago from Shelton

      thanks MsDora for stopping by...:)

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 7 weeks ago from The Caribbean

      Hilarious! You managed a comedy profile of a dumb criminal. Thanks for the humor.

    • Frank Atanacio profile image
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      Frank Atanacio 7 weeks ago from Shelton

      thanks Billybuc

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 7 weeks ago from Olympia, WA

      So much enjoyment crammed into such a short story. Bravo, buddy!

    • Frank Atanacio profile image
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      Frank Atanacio 7 weeks ago from Shelton

      do tell clive do tell

    • clivewilliams profile image

      Clive Williams 7 weeks ago from Jamaica

      Those cops remind me of a specific police force of a specific country.

    • Frank Atanacio profile image
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      Frank Atanacio 7 weeks ago from Shelton

      thanks Chris Ill be over to return the favor..bless you

    • cam8510 profile image

      Chris Mills 7 weeks ago from Missoula, Montana at least until August 2018

      The ketchup was on sale. That is priceless. NIce job with the humor, Frank.

    • Frank Atanacio profile image
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      Frank Atanacio 7 weeks ago from Shelton

      thank you Flourish

    • FlourishAnyway profile image

      FlourishAnyway 7 weeks ago from USA

      Love it. Brilliant, Frank. The dumb ones have to bring levity to a serious job.

    • Frank Atanacio profile image
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      Frank Atanacio 7 weeks ago from Shelton

      Yeah Internal Affairs really do take the fun out of police work..LOL listen thanks for checking out my flash fiction

    • jgshorebird profile image

      Jack Shorebird 7 weeks ago from Southeastern U.S.

      Comedy. Good piece. I was looking for Rowan Atkinson (Mr. Bean). I've known some dumb ones, but this guy? Holy crap.

      Thing is, Cruz would be arrested by me in the real world. I worked Internal Affairs during my career. He's even dumber.

      But this is comedy. Everything goes.

      I still want to interrogate Cruz though.

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