Blessed Be The Truly Unwise.
A detective sometimes is blessed with the truly dumb, for it certainly was those thick headed dumb-asses that make themselves obligated to be pursued. When caught, their very ignorance bring light to the men and women who labor in the dark for the side of justice.
Standing outside of an opened window near the Seaside Central Senior home was Kirk Taylor. Detective Wilfredo Cruz slowed his unmarked vehicle and waited for the young man's move. Of course he knew that Taylor wasn't going to murder a senior citizen. He was just a petty thief who was caught so many times. He had on him a large duffel bag and a tire iron probably used for prying the window open.
A sheepish grin crossed Cruz's face when he remembered how stupid Taylor was. On a court appearance day he was caught stealing hot dogs from a local supermarket. He got away with the hot dogs, and came back in to steal hot dog buns. Mister Genius got away with the bread too, but came back in to steal Ketchup and that's when store security nabbed him. He had all the stolen items on him and he told the uniforms that he couldn't eat the hot dogs plain, and he stole ketchup instead of mustard so that he could save the store money. He told them that the Ketchup was on sale.
Taylor watched Cruz and Cruz watched Taylor. It was a pissing match for about ten minutes and Taylor won. Cruz broke the staring contest and slowly drove the unmarked cruiser toward him. Taylor opened up the passenger side and jumped in.
Cruz fought hard to keep a loud laugh from escaping. He choked back the urge with a deep breath, and he almost stopped breathing.
“I thought you was a cop man,” Taylor said.
“They be putting they stank ass noses around my business when I'm trying to do business.”
Cruz nodded again.
“What, you like some kind of Uber driver, some shit like that?”
“Yes, some shit like that.”
Taylor nodded and then titled his head slightly.
“Do I know you?”
Cruz shook his head from side to side indicating no.
“What you up to in this bad ass car?”
“I'm heading to Congress street.”
“The police station is up there.”
“Yep, I'm going to break in and rob the evidence room,” Cruz said. “You game for that?”
“Damn you gotta have big balls bro!”
“I gotta a gun, and all I need is for you to rush in first and order everyone to the ground while I back you up waving my piece,” Cruz started. “Then we take all that good shit from evidence and we be set for life.”
Taylor only took a few moments to think about it. “Shit, I'm down! Lets get those pigs and make them crawl. I owe them for always busting my ass on stupid shit.”
Cruz nodded trying so hard to contain the laughter.
“What happens if we get caught?” Taylor asked.
“Remember, if they don't get evidence they charge you, and if they get evidence, they will set you free,” Cruz replied. “We're gonna have all the evidence we can handle robbing the evidence room, right?”
“Damn you a smart motherfucker,” Taylor replied. “What your name is?”
“One of Da Greek's boys?” asked Taylor.
“No, I do everything myself,” Cruz answered. “I was going to hit the police station until I saw you.”
“Glad you stopped bro,” Taylor added. “My name is Kirk.”
Cruz smiled wide.
Blessed be the truly unwise.
“You go in first and I'll be right behind you,” Cruz said. “You scream out everyone get down. Then you scream out Laura Kimber can kiss my ass.”
“Then we make for the evidence room and grab everything that's valuable. Don't take any junk, got it?”
“Of course bro.”
Cruz pulled up in front of the Congress Street police station and he nodded twice at Kirk Taylor.
“Don't you think I need a gun?”
“No,” Cruz replied. “If they don't see you with a gun, they won't shoot you. Gives me the advantage because I'll have the gun pointed at their asses.”
“Damn you smart.”
Taylor and Cruz climbed out of the unmarked cruiser and walked slowly to the door. Each one of them stood on the outside of the entrance gathering their wits. Cruz was fighting back the urge to simply just crack up. He took a deep breath and then nodded. It was a green light as Taylor rushed in first and Cruz was right behind him. Teamwork.
“Freeze you goddamn pigs!” Taylor shouted. “All you pigs hit the floor or my partner's gonna fill yah asses full of lead. And Laura Kimber, kiss my ass!”
The entire division including the uniforms and cleaning people just exploded in laughter. Taylor looked confused. He turned around and Cruz was literally on the floor laughing himself blue.
“Shit,” Taylor whispered.
Detective Laura Kimber walked over to Taylor and handcuffed him. She kicked Cruz while he was still laughing.
“Where do you want him?”
Several attempts were made before he could muster a reply. “My office.”
© 2018 Frank Atanacio