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A Hopeless Love Letter

Author:
another-love-letter

Hello...

What shock to hear from you. Your letter caught me totally unprepared, I hadn't thought of you in so long...

No. No. I don't think I can give you what you need, but at least I'll give you the truth. I've thought of you incessantly over the years, wondering if you were happy, wondering if you ever thought of me at all. Wondering what could have been but wasn't, because really, it couldn't be, not then.

You ask me to forgive you for many things. In all these years, I never felt there was anything I needed to forgive. You didn't love me and that nearly killed me, but it never made me angry. I couldn't help loving you, you couldn't help not feeling the same way. Nothing to forgive.

Your letter, however, with your feelings all over it, is something I'm struggling to forgive. You were right in saying it was selfish to burden me with all your pent-up anguish. I resent that you took the liberty and didn't think of the effect your words would have on me. You were very brave to bare your soul, but your courage took too long in coming.

Maybe I should be elegant, leave it at that, ask you to move on, simply say goodbye now, but I can't help crossing the door you've opened. This is the cue I waited so many years to get from you, that I never really expected to get. Too little, too late, but it's all I have.

It turns out all the hurt may have been in vain, pointless like the wind on top of a mountain, because you actually loved me, too; it took my leaving to open your eyes to what was always in front of you, in you, but you've waited all these years to tell me. I don't know if I can forgive you for that.

You hoped I would feel something upon reading your letter. I hope I could stop feeling. I feel shaken to hear from you after all these years. I feel my blood boil all over again. I feel miserable that it took me so long to get over you, never being fully there for anybody else, only to be back at the place it all started, to have you barreling back into my heart with such force that I feel I haven't learned anything, have achieved nothing, in all the years I've been without you.

I feel that I was only fooling myself all the times I thought I'd managed to lock the memory of you somewhere deep in my heart that couldn't hurt me anymore, that I'd thrown away the key to those burning feelings, only to realize your letter could open that lock in seconds, masterfully. I feel myself at once exhilarated to have that beast freed and terrified to have to lock it again.

I feel totally hopeless, emotionally drained by my lack of control over my feelings for you. I already said goodbye once, I can't see how I'll have the audacity to say it again, but I know I can't just turn the clock as if nothing happened, as if I hadn't suffered, as if I hadn't been a ghost of a lover my entire life, as if I am the same person you once knew.

I feel that you don't know me. You have no idea what my life has been like, without you in it. And yet I feel you know me still, because you life has been half of one, as it has for me. But two wrongs don't make a right... I regret that you never said anything while we were both in a place where we could talk about it. You may be in that place now, but I'm past it.

What I feel the most and I can barely endure the feeling is that all the things I feel aren't your fault, like my loving you wasn't your fault, but it is your fault to have kept it all from me during all these years, weakly and cowardly, while you where also suffering and I was living half a life. I don't know that I can forgive you for that.

I don't want the half of me that was left standing to be devoured by this beast that lives inside me. I don't want to die from you all over again.

Be well. Goodbye.

 

What do you think?

© 2009 Elena.

Comments

joezftworth on August 09, 2012:

Gosh, thanks...forgotten about the love of my life, that lingers like the mist of morning, the gathering clouds at night (not really). My heart has been eviscerated all over again. Destiny sweet destiny...come quickly, for my heart fails, daily, ever so slowly...no more please

Elena. (author) from Madrid on May 05, 2011:

Thanks Sun-Girl! This one is the third in a series, there is a response to it, or two preceding ones, if you're into "love stories" :-)

Sun-Girl from Nigeria on May 05, 2011:

Sounds so wonderful and really interesting love letter which i seem not to be a hopeless one but very meaningful one.Thanks for sharing.

Elena. (author) from Madrid on January 16, 2011:

Cheers right back, Ali, thaks for your comment and take care!

"Ali" on January 16, 2011:

hi this is wounderful realy i am also broken heart i suffered a lot later i don,t know how i controled my self but "God" help me a lot but when i read the letter i have got some of good memory and bad that was the worst moments in my life realy i cried when i read the letter anyway thanks again. have a great time cheers.

Elena. (author) from Madrid on July 08, 2010:

Cheers, Amanda :-)

amanda paola on July 08, 2010:

ur right i loved it!!! u should be my own personal writer!!lol

Elena. (author) from Madrid on July 08, 2010:

Hi again, Amanda. That's hurtful. Reading your comment, I think I've another piece that you may relate to:

https://hubpages.com/relationships/Im-going

Best to you.

amanda on July 07, 2010:

i wish i had writing talent like urs cuz i have always wanted to write something that makes him feel something especially to let him know how much he hurt me. his the type of person that really does not deserve my love but its sad to say he will always have it.. the more i want to hate him the more i realize its not me hating him its me hating myself for loving him so much... i dated him for six years and in one moment he just stop caring.

Elena. (author) from Madrid on July 07, 2010:

Hello Amanda, I'm glad I captured youor feelings well, but of course I'm not glad if you're going through something like this. Thank you for leaving a comment.

amanda on July 07, 2010:

elena- im not a writer so im so glad i stuble on this letter all ur emotion are exactly how i feel... thanks for writing this

Elena. (author) from Madrid on January 29, 2010:

Hey, Mary -- It is a bit sad, indeed, the whole letter saga is, but I hope you find chirpier stuff from me besides the sad ones :-) Thanks for your comment!

MarygrauSheila on January 22, 2010:

Hi Elena..Nice hub though a little sad. Sorry that the person hurt you. I am reading more of your hubs now

ahmadraza212 from Pakistan on January 04, 2010:

hello dear very interesting article about hopeless love letter.

Annette Thomas from Northeast Texas on January 04, 2010:

I can sure feel it, too. Wow.

Elena. (author) from Madrid on October 30, 2009:

Hello merpire, thanks much for the heartfelt comment, it means that the letter reached you, of which I'm glad. But don't be angered, I've never told whether any of this happened to me. Regardless, it's all words in the wind here and now. Best to you.

merpire from vampire town on October 30, 2009:

I just came across this by accident but the emotion, the angish, my heart feels for you...i am angered by the person that hurt you. your writing is amazing and raw.

Elena. (author) from Madrid on October 08, 2009:

Nice to meet you, skye2day, and many thanks for your encouraging comment. This is letter #3 in a series of four, you may enjoy reading the whole series from beginning to end, or a compilation of them all called "A Love Story".

I'm also heading for work soon, this is a little bit of a side entertainment, as I also make my fortune elsewhere :-)

skye2day from Rocky Mountains on October 08, 2009:

Hi Elana, This is another beautiful well written hub. Everyone has loved, has been hurt. (Well if they are human) Again you need to be big time published. You are a gifted writer. The wonderful beauty is most can relate. Very nice Elana. This kept me on the edge of my seat. The first one took my breath away. Both are 100% awesome, heartfelt, wonderful writings.

Now I must get ready for my hairstyling profession. I wish I could write all day and read stories in between. I have not made my fortune so I will need to return, soon. Hugs

Elena. (author) from Madrid on June 15, 2009:

Sure, k@ri, if you quote your sources ;-) Just kidding! Seriously, though, I just know what you mean with "...I would love to receive and hope never to"! Haven't we all felt this duality at some point?

Kari Poulsen from Ohio on June 15, 2009:

Elena, This reminds me of a letter I would love to receive and hope never to...may I use your response if I ever do? You write it so much more eloquently than I would.

Elena. (author) from Madrid on March 20, 2009:

Ayer, you alternate between pissing me off and making me laugh. Sometimes both in one go! Besos to you!

Ayer on March 20, 2009:

Leni, may I mention that we have a winner in the poll, and that tomorrow is Saturday?

Elena. (author) from Madrid on March 18, 2009:

Not quite an article, but thanks anyway

Elena. (author) from Madrid on March 15, 2009:

Hi Christa, nice to meet you! Wow, it's incredible to hear from someone who identifies with the first two and was thankfully spared the third! I'm happy to hear about one happy story! These letters seem to have evoked a lot of not so happy memories for some people, it's really great to hear from someone who can attest to love conquering all :-) Thank you!

Christa Dovel from The Rocky Mountains, North America on March 15, 2009:

Great letters. I read them all the other day, and could not comment right away. They are too emotional. My husband and I were almost the first two. Fortunately (for us), not too much time went by between 'letters'. This one is heart wrenching, but could have been so true in my life.

Thank you for writing so beautifully.

Elena. (author) from Madrid on March 15, 2009:

Hi Frieda -- I'm not sure if I should respond to your comment or ask you to please write a hub about it.  I mean this kindly, not a la peeping tom, honest! You just have me wondering!

I think the power the other writer has over this one is present and accounted for here, the twist is that this writer chooses not to succumb to that appeal.  That hurts BOTH of the not-lovers, sadly, because the love is there, on both sides, but this one is making a statement: I'm not to be played with...again.

This comment-response probably vents more that it should, but there you go, your comment did that to me.  Besos to you! 

Frieda Babbley from Saint Louis, MO on March 15, 2009:

I've been on both sides of these letters. After your last one, I thought, what would one respond. Well, here it is. I know what the next letter should be. I know that this letter back is a shock and a slap in the face. The last letter hoped for more emotion. Felt as though the other person would still be feeling something because of course the writer was a bit conceded in thinking that they had so much power over another's emotion. This letter hurt more than the others did.

Elena. (author) from Madrid on March 15, 2009:

My pleasure, trish, thank you for reading my letters :-)

trish1048 on March 15, 2009:

Lovely, well-written letters from the heart. Always a good read, even though painful. Thank you for sharing these.

Elena. (author) from Madrid on March 14, 2009:

That you're a hopeless romantic, Randy? I love that you love it. Besos!

Randy Behavior from Near the Ocean on March 14, 2009:

I love the tortured hopelessness of this. God, what does that say about me?

Elena. (author) from Madrid on March 14, 2009:

G-Ma, no pain no gain, no guts no glory -- that pretty much summs up the story of these two people that write to each other, excep they do it all at the wrong times! The thing with pain and gain, guts and glory, is that if the timing is off, then all goes up as smoke! Thanks for your kindness, as always!

Ayer -- I'll do as the poll says. Your point being? :-*

Nayberry -- Nice to meet you, and thank you for your kind words. That last line is criminally crushing, isn't it?

Nayberry from nayphat@yahoo.com on March 14, 2009:

Love the letter. You really have a way with words. The last line is my favorite.

Tootles!!

Ayer on March 14, 2009:

I voted, and you better do as the poll says! What you said before, "you fool!", is what I think!

Merle Ann Johnson from NW in the land of the Free on March 14, 2009:

Seems to me "if I can't say something nice, don't say anything at all"..for me less said the better. I have gone on with my life and expect nothing from anyone...least of all him...but we all have our way of dealing with things and was truly a well written Love letter...No pain no gain? we learn lessons from our trials..hopefully...G-Ma :O) Hugs & Peace

Elena. (author) from Madrid on March 14, 2009:

Amy G – Thank you!  Let me ask you something:  is there something you can do about the unfinished business?  Asking because sometimes instead for waiting one could go and do something.  Although as GT and I commented above before, it's pretty difficult not to say impossible to turn back the clock.  Oh well, food for thought!

We'll see about the pool :-)

Elena. (author) from Madrid on March 14, 2009:

Proud Mom – I'm very thankful and feel very safe knowing you keep a copy of this since last night!  Tough deal that you had to sleep on it without being able to open it, eh?  Laugh!  For casual observers:  I sent a copy of this to two fellow hubbers here so that it it's knocked off again, I can prove I had it before it went live.

I'm glad you think it's a perfect response, you know I was a bit panicky about the reaction, bad dreams and all!  I'm VERY happy that you identify with the reaction of the author of Not a Love Letter!

Elena. (author) from Madrid on March 14, 2009:

Teresa – From your wonderful, wonderful comment, I think I did my job with this letter. One can be a prisoner to one's feelings but never should be a prisoner to anybody else. Oh, heck, that sounds totally unromantic, doesn't it. In a way, the romantic in me would like to shout to the four winds "You fool!! The love is reciprocal, go for it, you idiot!!!" Besos to you!

Golden – I think we all feel that way at one point or another (if we have a beating heart) --we get to thinking about the lives that have touched or ruined us and the lives we might have touched or ruined, and sometimes it's tough shit realizing one can't go back. The one lesson I try and take with me is not to repeat the same mistakes. But where love is concerned, not even that is possible sometimes.

Proud Mom from USA on March 14, 2009:

Of all the emotion that the other two brought about, this is the one I connect with the most. I had to read it again. And probably again and again and again. It's the PERFECT response!

Amy G on March 14, 2009:

Elena~ I like this one the best, too. I would like to be on the receiving end of it, since there is unfinished business in my life - that'll likely never be done. Great letter! Right now, survey says: we have a 50% chance of getting a response letter. Hmmm.....

:)

Proud Mom from USA on March 14, 2009:

And this has been locked away in my computer?!?!!! Elena!!

goldentoad from Free and running.... on March 14, 2009:

when I read your letters, I get thinking about my own past and lives I probably ruined and lives that have damaged me. I think of reaching out and just saying hi, but the knowledge that I can't go back, keeps me from proceeding with my urges. another good one from the heart elena.

Sheila from The Other Bangor on March 14, 2009:

Hey Elena: I like this letter the best -- I think because I've felt unrequited love, and it was difficult sometimes drawing lines between what was my responsibility, and what was the other person's. This letter is brilliant. It shows that while one may be slave to the EMOTION, one should never be slave to another person. I think my responses to the first two letters were probably lukewarm. Because it was scratching an old wound. The second one made me angry, because I've never received one like it. This one makes me feel so much better about the situation, and about myself: so thank you very much, dear Elena-amiga, for writing these. Hopefully someone else, just like me, will read them and heal a little bit more.

The Griffin and Sabine books are beautifully illustrated.

Cris A from Manila, Philippines on March 14, 2009:

I just love reading other people's letters! LOL Oh you'll love those books :D

Elena. (author) from Madrid on March 14, 2009:

Hey Cris!  That was quick :-)  I hand't heard of the Bantock's Griffin & Sabine trilogy before, 'course I had to go check Amazon, and I think I'm very honored by the fact you're reminded! Thank you!

Here, everyone, check it out if you're not familiar with the series either: http://www.amazon.com/Griffin-Sabine-Trilogy-Boxed...

I can't bother with one of those capsules.  Geez, I'm such a lazy slob!

Cris A from Manila, Philippines on March 14, 2009:

The heart moves on but never forgets. And love goes astray but is always found. Thanks for sharing these letters with your heartfelt sentiments. They make me feel like a hunter, lonely but not alone. Gracias.

btw, these series of yours remind of Bantock's Griffin & Sabine books. :D