All I Get is Silence

Updated on February 25, 2018

Everyone thinks I'm crazy or at least strange, and I'm not really OK with that. I say it doesn't bother me, and even make fun of myself at times. But it really does bother me. I was "normal" before 2011 when I first had my "spiritual crisis" or psychotic episode, whichever the case may be.

I feel alone, and it feels like no one understands me. I can't find anyone that relates. Not in real life, and not online. I have been searching for almost eight years now.

My therapist wanted me to write about my feelings, so here I am. Writing does help. It helps to get my thoughts in order. It also helps to get my feelings out, when I have no one to talk to.

It feels like I am talking to a brick wall. People tend to change the subject when I talk about certain topics, or there's an awkward silence. No one wants to hear it. If I talk about synchronicities or seeing numbers, they say it's a coincidence. I know they are not. People are uncomfortable with me. I have learned just to keep it to myself most of the time.

I don't have any friends. We are just in different places I guess. I used to be very social. My very last friend never texts me or calls once she found out I had schizoaffective disorder. They seem to want me to be the way I was before, and I just can't. I am no longer interested in what I used to be, materialistic things. My interests are on the fringe. I am on the fringe of society. That's why I stay home most of the time and keep to myself now.

I only leave the house for appointments and shopping. If I could, I wouldn't even do those things. I spend most of my time on the Internet, reading and writing and watching videos. I also read books. I used to enjoy searching the thrift stores for unusual books, but even that now bothers me. So I get most of my books online now.

Topics I am interested include sacred geometry, spirituality, spiritual alchemy, religion, God, chakras, ancient civilizations, Precession of the Equinoxes, Tarot, astrology, evolution, sacred architecture and ancient stone structures, mystery schools and traditions, and other related subjects.

In forums I get mocked and laughed at for my beliefs. I am tired of this, and am no longer going to post in forums about my beliefs. At least for now anyway. It was a way for me to find others who might share my beliefs, but I have found none that really share my core beliefs in the eight years I've been looking.

It is like a giant jig saw puzzle that I am being led to figure out. The Universe points me in certain directions. Gives me bits and pieces of the puzzle. I am a slow learner, and have trouble figuring it out on my own. It would be better if I had better logic, math and geometry skills. My goal is to take some courses at the community college to try to understand these things better. Then I think I would understand more what the Universe is trying to show me.

It has to do with the Earth and Man's place in it. That is what I've gleaned in the last eight years. Numbers and geometry are important. So is spiritual awakening, and the Hero's Journey of becoming a better, spiritual being.

I only have tiny pieces of the puzzle. I have a lot more to learn and figure out. Why is it that I am getting this information? I know others have gotten information too. But it seems like they are better equipped to figure things out. I don't seem to be. Maybe it is laziness on my part, about how I have not taken the time to learn the math yet. I think that is my next step.

Well this has been long, and I think I got that out of my system for now. I want to begin writing every day again, as I have neglected to do this in the past few months. I don't know what I will write about tomorrow, I am sure it will come to me.


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    • Harishprasad profile image

      Harish Mamgain 2 months ago from New Delhi , India

      lovetherain , this hub reminded me of my own thoughts years back. I used to brood over the harsh words and rude behavior of the guys and get tormented. Then , in course of time , I gave up this mindset altogether , and instead, concentrated on my own affairs , and immersed myself into the ventures , I loved with all my heart. Gradually , I gained my composure and peace.

      My friend, life has more abundance than the attention we seek from the people. Every individual is unique ; and she/ he must appreciate this uniqueness.

      I speak from my own experience . When you start loving yourself , the whole world will seem wonderful to you , even the guys you deem not friendly toward you. Never remain in isolation, be in the company of the like-minded guys , who will support and encourage you in your journey of life. Wish you all happiness and peace.

    • threekeys profile image

      Threekeys 2 months ago from Australia

      Look for your interest groups at in your area. That will take you out and about again.

      Write a ekindle about your spiritual growth.

      What about joining up with a Spiritualist Church? They have meditation circles, talk about the afterlife and developing your 6th sense. But more so you will find like minded people there.

      Try google/Facebook Tarot groups.