After the Summer of 87’

Updated on May 6, 2017

When the words left her mouth, she felt a small amount of relief followed by immediate pain, like urinating and stopping midway through.

“I’m not made to be a mother,” she said.

Her eyes focused on the ceiling fan, trying to find her reflection on the shiny brass behind the blurring movement of the blades. She tried opening her mouth again, but was stuck in the calm hypnosis of the fan, forgetting the moment. His teeth were pressed firmly against his lower lip, like when he forcibly holds back tears; a drop of sweat made its way down his sideburn. She knew that in her face he could see the struggle.

“It isn’t something I planned or even considered,” she said.

In the past, she created lists after lists in her mind of the things she needed in life and wanted out of life and a child was never on any of those lists. The Homes and Gardens life she made for herself, with him, led to the estrangement of their marriage. She changed herself into the woman in the grocery store checkout line with the cartooned fruit and veggie Ziplocs filled with coupon clippings from The Daily Saver. She watched re-runs of Lucy in bed with him as he leaned on the headboard with his hand down his pants reading novels on American politics.

“Married life became tedious,” she said.

After the short period of their marriage she found an apartment on the East side of town. Life alone had given her the time to think about things she had put behind her and the things that gave her the courage to break free from the restrictions of marriage.

“You know when the phone would ring and it was your name was on the screen, it wasn’t easy to ignore,” she said, letting go of the censorship she had held on to so tightly.

When she slept around with other men and led the life of a cheater, she was aware of the hurt he would eventually feel and at times she knew that in his mind his suspicion had grown into certainty.

For years she had justified the hotel room blowjobs and back-seat romps with her married boss. She looked up articles on human nature and the practices of polygamy, convincing her guilty conscious that the urges that drove her actions were natural.

His mouth was tightly pursed and she knew he didn’t understand her hesitation to answer his question or stay on topic. He firmly held the papers in his hand and waved them in her face. At that moment her eyes began to water, but she felt none of the emotions that should make her cry. Her feelings were not happy, nor sad, but of a painful indifference. She became intently aware of the involuntary connection of her heart, mind and body.

“I don’t want them!” She said.

She let go and realized, admitting to herself for the first time, that she did not want to be a parent. She did not want to have to be a part of her children’s lives anymore. She did not desire to see her daughter dance on a stage in a parent infested auditorium and she did not desire to see her son slide into home-base at his first t-ball game. She did not care about her daughter’s bloody knee when she fell down skating and she did not care about their screams at night when they had nightmares. She did not care about the A’s they made in reading and math and she did not bother to save their first lock of hair or lost baby teeth.

“I want my life back!” she yelled.

She knew at that moment, she so achingly desired to go back to the day she got into his brand new 87’ Chevy, just seconds after leaving a paper towel note on her mother’s kitchen table that said, “Goodbye, it’s my life.” Before the unplanned rushed wedding because it was the “right” thing to do. Before the 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom, yellow house in the suburbs. Before the baby keep sakes. Before the tights and tutus. Before the cleats and baseball caps. Before the kindergarten field trips. Before the size 3 roller-skates and size 4 roller-blades. Before being called mommy.

“Let me see the papers,” she said.

She took the papers out of Adam’s hand and forcibly grabbed the pen from his shirt pocket. She signed on the dotted lines and initialed the square boxes, officially granting full custody to her ex-husband.

As she walked out of the door, she stopped on the second step and looked at Adam for one last time. “You know, you are the only parent they need,” she said, and turned away towards the rusted Chevy.

Diving into the Protagonist

Do you believe the protagonist is trying to escape something more?

See results

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No comments yet.

    working

    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, letterpile.com uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at: https://letterpile.com/privacy-policy#gdpr

    Show Details
    Necessary
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the googleapis.com or gstatic.com domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Features
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Marketing
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Statistics
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)