It's been so long. I don't know where to start. The beginning would seem the best place, but the beginning of what? We met, became friends, and then you left and were gone. Not all so sudden nor so simple, but it feels that way after all these years, time has a way to disrobe facts of all embellishments and leave reality bare.
Let me get this off my chest first thing, if I don't get it out right away I won't be able to say all the other things I want to say: I could act innocent and say I had no idea, but of course I did. I just refused to acknowledge what couldn't be, and wasn't my problem, and preferred to play along from a place that was comfortable for me. I knew then it couldn't have been comfortable for you, I knew, but I still played along because it was easier and safe. Please, forgive me for that.
There is so much I want to tell you. There are so many things that I need you to know, bleed for you to know... After all these years it's selfish of me to burden you with all of it, but at least this time I'm thinking of you, of what you'll feel when you read my letter. I can only hope you will feel something...
I need you to know I cried an ocean, I shed tears that I couldn't explain, not back then. I cried so much at the loss, but I couldn't say what had me torn, not even to myself, not really. You left and took away the light and the laughter, and I could do nothing to stop it, because you never told me how you felt. Forgive me for never allowing you to. I never gave you a cue, though I knew, I knew. But I didn't want to listen then. You were so right all those years ago. I didn't want to hear it.
Forgive me for driving you away, and then missing you, and then blaming you for leaving. What could I have done, back then? What could we have done? You loved me and I couldn't, not then.
Your leaving was an awakening of sorts –I don't know if I have to thank you for that, I know I hated you then, selfishly and absurdly, because I wasn't in a place where I could have, would have, acknowledged that I missed you, that you where the light I wanted to absorb, the sun that warmed me even when I didn't know that I was cold. It took you vanishing from my life to understand that the light had gone out.
I can't honestly say that cold overcame me, not right then, I had a good life, I had it all, really, but your leaving caused a chasm, a gulf that I didn't understand, didn't want to understand, and didn't want to navigate, it forced me to swim upstream, and I had no use for that back then. So long ago.... It still terrifies me, the notion of swimming upstream.
I'm not sorry that you loved me, I couldn't help that, but I'm sorry that I never said anything, did anything to prevent the cloak of invisibility from driving you away. Maybe that was for the best. You went away hurt but ready to move on. I never did move on, though, I feel I'm still at the bend where we parted, still missing you like the day you left. I feel I've lost so much along the way, your friendship, your laughter, your consistency. I lost all that when I lost you.
I hope beyond hope that you'll forgive me, for the pain I caused you then, and for being so selfish to burden you with all of this now. I must, I can't help it. After all these years I'm finally in a place where I can write and tell you that I miss you. I never stopped missing you.
I hope you are happy today, I hope you can forgive me. Please write, even if it's only to say goodbye again. I need to move on, too.
With all my love.
The predecessor: Not a Love Letter
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© 2009 Elena.