What happened, after 9 years later....
It was raining outside heavily. I was alone in my room reading a book. My eyes were getting heavy, so I decided to sleep. I closed my book and lied on my bed. I was just trying to sleep, but then my phone suddenly started ringing.
“Who can call me at this hour? This is weird.“ I thought
Irritated, I picked up my phone. As soon as I saw the number, I got shocked. I couldn’t take my eyes off.
After 10 years he was calling me. So many thoughts clouded my mind.
“Why he is calling me after so many years, after 9 years?”
“Did he still remember me?”
“Is he fine?”
“Should I pickup or not?”
“What if it is important?”
“What he wants from me now?”
There were so many questions but no answer. Immersed in my thoughts, I picked up the phone.
“Hello” He said
“H…. Hi” I replied
I felt tingling in my stomach after listening to his voice. His voice still has the same effect on me. There was a time when I was not able to spend a single day without hearing it. And now, it’s been so many years that I have heard it.
“What are you doing?” He asked
“Good… You?” I said
“I am missing you” He replied
I can say from his voice that he was crying. But after hearing this, I was not able to say anything. I didn’t know what to reply. What to say that can soothe him.
It was a long pause.
“What happened? Say something na. Please” He said anxiously
“Have you been crying?” I asked
“No No. I am not crying. Just tell me, do you remember me?”
I knew he was not asking if I remember his name. Rather he was asking if I remember him, as a person. Do I remember the time we spent? Do I remember those promises? and everything which kept us together, kept us in love…
“Why are you asking me this now?”
“Please tell me. I want to know” He was on the edge of crying again which he was holding up.
“Please don’t do this. Just leave it and talk something else.” I replied. My heart was beating very fast. It was suffocating, like someone has blocked my air. I needed fresh air, to breathe. So, I went out in the balcony.
I did not want to answer that question. Because I knew, I will neither be able to lie nor did I want to say the truth. I just wanted to change the topic.
“Do you remember when we last met?” He asked
“Yes. I do” I replied. I knew where he is going with this.
“The day we b… broke up.” My heart was sinking remembering that day
“You know I drank too much that night. I can never forget that day” He said crying
“I know” I replied, sadly. I was not able to stand anymore. My legs were getting numb. So, I sat on the cold floor of the balcony, crying.
Even I cannot forget that day. How can I? It was the most painful day of my life. I still remember that day, word by word. But hearing this from him, I felt like someone took the broken pieces of my heart & crushed it again, like again I am reliving that day, like my personal film has started in front of my eyes. Again.
I was not able to say anything. I was just trying to hold myself up in front of him.
“Do you have anybody else in your life?” He asked
“N….. No” I replied
“Didn’t felt like” I said
“I tried but couldn’t. I guess I search you in every girl I meet. Nobody can ever be like you. Nobody can ever take your place. You bring out something in me which nobody ever could and now, nobody ever can” He was crying.
“Please stop crying” I pleaded
“Please let me. It’s been so long that I have shared anything with anybody, cried in front of anybody. Please, don’t stop me” He was opening up his heart.
But, why now? Why after so long? Why didn’t he say anything when I wanted to hear?, when all of this would have made sense. Why he is telling me all this now?
“I don’t know how many times I have to say sorry, for you to forgive me? Which of my sorrys will ever make you forgive me? I know I have broken your heart. And also didn’t even try to get you back. If I would have tried, we would have still been together. “ He was crying terribly
“I still love you…… I have never forgotten you. Do you love me? Please tell me” And then, he asked again
I wanted to say that yes, I still love you. I still remember every incident. I still remember our promises. I still laugh thinking about our silly talks. I still want you by my side when I am sad. You still is the first person in my mind to share with, when something happens with me. I remember “You”. I remember “US.”
But, I didn’t answer to any of his questions. I don’t want to answer. I don’t want to go on that path again. Never Ever. But,
Listening to this after 9 years of pain & suffering felt like somebody has took a sharp pointed knife and stabbed in my heart, like someone is slowly ripping off my heart. And it is so painful that I can’t even say a word, just cry silently.
But there was also some satisfaction in that. Finally, he was answering all those questions, I haven’t asked. He was accepting all those accusations, I haven’t made. He was saying all those things, I wanted to hear. All those insecurities which surrounded me, was starting to vanish somehow. He was finally accepting that he didn’t tried enough, that he always loved me, and that he will never forget me.
It felt like, I was in a dark room for a very long time and suddenly a ray of light comes in the room, making me feel like everything will be fine. I knew that I cannot get out of this dark room but that ray of light is enough for survival. And, this was the feeling that surrounded my heart.
Whole night we were on the phone, silently. There was nothing we want to say. We both were crying and the night spent just like that.
It’s not easy getting apart from someone you have loved for years. A part a them is always remaining with you. But then also it is hard to get back with that person. You know you will never be happy without them. A part of you will always be missing. But, it’s better to let go of that person. For your happiness and for theirs too.
© 2020 Vedika Pawan